Hats I have Owned

I spend far too much money on hats. It’s a fault of mine that I find difficult to steer away from, partly because it’s not all that terrible, as far as faults go, and partly because I don’t actually want to stop.

I’ve received several hats as gifts, two of which have been from my Aunt Denice. Both were brown, one of my favorite colors to wear for reasons that I won’t get into now but which I can basically sum up with the phrase “I’m duller than a tenured college professor who hasn’t actually attended his classes in five years.”

The first was a hat that looked like she had built a time machine, zapped back to the nineteenth century, and ripped a hat off of a (probably loudly protesting) newspaper boy. I like to think he was a tabloid seller, and the next issue had all of his esteemed colleagues shouting “Extra! Extra! Time Travelling Tart Takes Tom’s Top, Probably For Use in Some Strange Future Sex Ritual!” She probably just bought it in a hat store named something clever, but I have my dreams.

It didn’t fit, by the way. I have an unusually large head. My mother cut a slice out of the back and sewed some weird fabric into it so I could actually get it on my noggin.

The second hat my Aunt bought for me was weird. It was basically a fur lined baseball cap, with shades of Guevara in the design. I have no idea where she found it. It’s a good hat for summer.

Another excellent summer hat I obtained by providing my extensive acting experience (HAH!) to a promotional video advertising a book. It’s a white hat of the sort golfers wear, where (where, wear, whatever) the top merges with the bill. Typically I put it on when I feel like being pretentious.

I have a purple headband, too. I don’t usually wear that one in public.

Oh! Speaking of pretentious hats… I was on a band trip in Canada at one point when I found just the greatest hat. It is a classical felt top hat, of the original style. It is a thing of beauty, but the price was… on the high side. I agonized about it for a while, debating whether to purchase it or a bright pink tuxedo shirt with a black lace ruff. I think I made the right decision. Even if it was eighty dollars.

But that’s not my most expensive hat! That’s right, ladies and gentlemen, I once purchased a hat that was over one hundred dollars. And I don’t regret it the tiniest bit. It’s a reddish brown, molded leather wizard hat with the shape of a skull pressed into it. Imagine the sorting hat if it died and then decomposed.

My most recent hat was a christmas present from my dear sister. It’s a wool cap with tassels hanging down to the chest. It has ears, eyes, a nose, and (seriously) teeth, all along the rim. It’s one of my favorites.

I have others, but I’m too tired to list them right now, and this post hasn’t been particularly amusing anyway, so I’ll just end with this:

I own not a single baseball cap.